remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
