the condom got lost in my hair
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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