Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
