Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
