Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
