I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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