Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize