I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize