I could make wine with my vomit
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
God I need to hump something, right now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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