I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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