Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
