1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
did i walk over a car last night?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
