My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
