fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
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