i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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