is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
