jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
