So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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