fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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