I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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