I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
