$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
