i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
