this boner is exhausting
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
