i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
