When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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