ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
