i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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