ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
