the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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