I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
