Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize