Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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