apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
