I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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