The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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