the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
