Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
