enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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