look no pants
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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