The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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