I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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