I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
