i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
