it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
