i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
