My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
