I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Fuck appropriateness.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
