I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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