i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
