I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
