According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
