Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
