I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
