I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
