Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
