Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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