I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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