I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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