I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can text with my tongue
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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