so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
