new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
nutella sex= disaster
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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