Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
