Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
